Professor Severus Snape & The Meme
by etherian
Summary: Snape grudgingly answers the questions as a guest poster for the author's blog. Completely AU and ridiculous. Virtual cookies for every reader that reviews.


_**Professor Severus Snape & The Meme**_

_A/N: Recently I came across a meme that I thought would be fun if Snape answered the questions instead of me. I posted it on my blog, as usual, but then thought that it might be a good idea to post it here. This version has been polished a bit more. So, without further ado, I present, Prof. Severus Snape..._

_Disclaimer: Snape belongs to J.K. Rowling. He's just doing this as a favor to me._

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_**The Who, What, When, Where, Why, and Would You Meme**_

I have been requested by _She Who Would Rather Read Fan Fiction_ to answer the questions in this meme. Loathe as I am to waste my time with this nonsense, it appears that I owe that woman a life-debt, and as most anyone knows, such a thing is not ignored by the civilised wizard.

**Who .... is easy to love?**

Lily Evans

**Who .... do you just wanna smack?**

The Dark Lord, Albus Dumbledore, the obnoxious mutt Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Harry Potter, for various transactions, nearly all of my students, including several Slytherins... I think it would be wise to stop there, or I'll be writing all night.

**Who .... do you trust?**

I was taught by various people (my father, Tobias, the Marauders - Potter, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew) that it wasn't safe to trust anyone. Because I didn't trust anyone I not only lost my best friend, but was the instrument by which the Dark Lord killed her. I trust the Headmaster, but he is a conniving, manipulative old man and I must be wary of him, at times.

**Who .... do you talk to when you're alone?**

Memories past.

**What ... dangerous things do you do while flying on a broom?**

Fight Death Eaters, referee Quidditch, and occasionally rescue Potter.

**What ... are you allergic to?**

Werewolves, unkempt black dogs, stags, and rats.

**What ... is Satan's last name?**

Potter (James is his first name).

**What ... is the last thing that moved you?**

The spell Levicorpus.

**What ... is the freakiest thing in your house?**

A boggart that has taken up residence in one of my closets. Despite my best efforts, it refuses to vacate the closet.

**When ... is it time to turn over a new leaf?**

When the Dark Lord is dead and my soul is redeemed.

**When ... will you be all that you can be?**

When the _Boy Who Lived to be A Pain in My Arse_ has succeeded in destroying the Dark Lord for good.

**When ... is enough enough?**

That cannot be answered while the Dark Lord still lives. When one is in a war, one must do what one must to succeed.

**When ... do you go to the dark side?**

Everytime the Dark Mark on my arm burns and I am obligated to make obeisance to the Dark Lord so he will never suspect I am fighting for the Light.

**Where ... are your pants?**

You do realise that 'pants', in the United Kingdom, refers to undergarments, do you not? As such, I am under no obligation to answer such a personal question.

**Where ... is your last will and testament?**

I have hidden it well. Should I die in this war (which I do not expect to occur) my last will and testament will find its way to Harry Potter, as I, during an addle-pated moment, have made him my executor. Ironic, don't you think considering how annoying a dunderhead I find him to be.

**Where ... is your junk food stash?**

I despise... 'junk food'. Although, I do have a particular fondness for Honeydukes Licorice Wands.

**Where ... is Carmen Sandiego?**

Now _you're _just being moronic.

**Why ... was the Lone Ranger alone?**

As the half-blood Prince (meaning I am half-Muggle, half-Wizard), I grew up watching the Lone Ranger, and I can assure you, he wasn't alone. Kemosabe.

**Why ... was The Scarlet Letter scarlet?**

You're deliberately trying to trip me up, aren't you? Did I not mention I grew up in the Muggle world? Here is your answer: It was not enough for the Puritans to force Hester Prynn to wear the mark of an Adulteress, it was red in order to be seen, and to further symbolise her great shame.

**Why ... are musicians sexy and plumbers not?**

I think you need to visit Madame Pomfrey. You appear to have been hit with a Confundus Hex.

**Why ... are there no seat belts on school buses?**

I believe they are essentially death traps quite possibly designed by Death Eaters as a device to do away with Muggle children.

**Would you ... swim the English Channel for a doughnut and coffee? If not that, what?**

I am not at all fond of doughnuts, but I am seriously addicted to my coffee. My morning must start with at least two cups of coffee, or my students pay for it later. As to swimming the English Channel? I can Imperious you to swim it for me.

**Would you ... forgive someone who deliberately hurt you?**

Unless the person is deserving, I have no forgiveness to spare.  
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Would you ... rather believe a lie if it hurt you less than the truth?**

I have no tolerance for lies. My distaste, though, is sorely tested between Dumbledore and the Dark Lord, and all of my students.

**Would you ... still be alive if you were sucked out of an airplane window? Would you just float around in space for while?**

I fly upon a broom, travel longer distance via Apparition, and short distances by Floo. Wizard, remember?

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_Putting down his quill and drying the ink with a wave of his wand, Snape rolled up the parchment and cleared his throat as he glared at the woman engrossed in some fan fiction nonsense. She didn't hear him so he slapped the palm of his hand sharply upon the surface of his desk. That startled the woman and she looked up from her reading at the scowling Potions Master._

"Your meme, madame." _He floated the scroll over to the woman who snatched it deftly out of the air. With a sharp smirk, he growled,_ "Twenty points from your house for taking me away from my potions, madame. Now, get out!"

_The woman ran out of the Potions lab, the door slamming nearly on her heel. Snape chuckled very softly, and swept out of his lab and into the sanctuary of his quarters._  
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_A/N: And that is the end of this silliness. I hope you enjoyed it. Please review, if you can. I love feedback._


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